{Story5} A Journey to Adoption: “I would not change a thing”

March 27, 2014March 27, 2014 / dancingonmyashes / 4 Comments

Through the month of March, we’re going to do a series called “This is my story, this is my song.” There are personal journeys of hope, victory, courage, and redemption that you need to hear!

I (Heather) am about to introduce you to someone very, very special. She is not only my pastor’s wife—but my friend. She is one of those women in my life that I love watching. She makes serving and loving her husband, her children, and her church family, look easy peasy. She’s probably the first face you’d see greet you if you were to visit Lifepoint; with her welcoming smile and sweet southern accent, she invites you into the family. This lady juggles a great deal with ease and smiles as she strives to abide in Christ. I joke with her that on days I have too much to do, I whisper to myself “What would Christin Harrison do?” {So, for all you momma’s with growing “To do” lists, the “WWCHD?” bracelets will be made available soon! heehee}

Maybe I’ll have her share some of her organizational secrets in another post… but for now, you’ve got to hear a piece of her journey that led she and her husband, Lane, to adoption.

So, have you ever wondered what it would be like to write a letter to your past self? What advice would you offer? I asked Christin what she would tell her 20-year-old self about the journey “past-Christin” was about to embark on. I know this will encourage hearts… and maybe, just maybe, cause you to write your own letter. What would you say?

Here’s Christin’s letter…

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Dear Christin,

So you are about to get married. You have so many exciting days ahead as you look towards your future and all that the Lord has in store for you and Lane. You may think the future is going to be easy, fun, romantic, full of wonderful adventures… and at some points in the journey, it will be. But oh how the Lord has an adventure set before you that you can’t even begin to imagine.

On your journey, you are going to experience your first hardship even before your wedding can happen. At a routine doctor’s appointment, you are going to find out that you have two eight-pound tumors inside that have to come out immediately. But this surgery will not be your last. Five more will come your way during the first seven years of being married, which will even result in a hysterectomy at the young age of 28. It is going to hard. Painful. You will think that you can’t endure the pain your body goes through, the emotional toil that it takes on your spirit, and the sadness that seems to take root in your soul. But you know what? You will endure—the Lord will give you His strength. You will grow in your walk with the Lord during these years. The weeks, even months, of quiet recovery will be times of growth in your love for Jesus. The Lord will be your Great Physician and you will learn to trust Him with your health. Your marriage will be strengthened from the very beginning when you are just newlyweds. You will learn that Lane loves you unconditionally—no matter what—and those years will be what build the foundation that keeps your marriage strong in the future.

During these same years, you and Lane will be praying and planning to have a family. Doctors will tell you that there is a chance to conceive a baby with the small, one-third ovary that you have left before, but eventually, that has to come out too. Those months of hoping that you will find a positive sign on a pregnancy test will come and go and the disappointment will be there with each negative found. But over time, the Lord is going to do something in your heart. You and Lane will feel the Lord leading you to adopt…EVEN while it may physically be possible to get pregnant. That fact alone will shock many people. They will wonder why you would abandon your desire to get pregnant. That desire will not leave, but instead, your desire to be a mom to a child that is already somewhere in this world will be greater than the desire to wear maternity clothes. You will gladly exchange those maternity clothes for traveling clothes and trade the big belly for a big three-ring binder of adoption paperwork.

You know those children of whom you have always dreamed? They are going to come from two different parts of the world! You, Christin, the girl who loves to be home and is not a big fan of risks, are going to board a plane and travel to Russia to become a mom for the first time. You will be scared. You will wonder if this child will love you. You will wonder if you will have a “motherly instinct” without giving birth to this child. And in one split second, at the very moment you see and hold your baby for the first time, these fears will vanish. Instantly. This little blonde haired, green eyed, malnourished, eight pound, six-month-old little boy will change you forever. You will no longer wonder what it is like to be a mom. You will now know that there is nothing like it. This boy will be kind, tenderhearted, love you and all his family, and be filled with a desire to learn about everything. But most of all, he will love Jesus and serve Him and others faithfully.

The day will come again for you to become a mom for the second time. This will be the result of many prayers. Not only those prayed by you and Lane, but also by your precious two-year-old son who wants to have a sister. He will pray faithfully for her. The Lord is going to answer those prayers and be the Provider of all the details involved in this adoption as well. Once again, you will board a plane for yet another country, this time to the country of Guatemala. It is there that you will meet your princess! The moment you see her, your heart will overflow with love. That motherly instinct that you no longer worry about, will abound for this precious child. Just like her brother, this curly, brown haired, brown eyed, petite, six-month-old little girl will transform you. This little one will be caring, filled with love for people, and will want every day to be a party! And like her brother, she will love Jesus from an early age, which will enable her to love others even more than she loves herself.

So, dear Christin, when the road that you travel gets tough, don’t lose hope! The Lord is in control of your life. Just release your grip on anything else but Him. At times, it will be hard and you will want to change His plan—or even give up! But the Lord will be faithful. Trust Him. His desires for you will become your desires. He will take your worries, your sadness, even the pain, and turn it into complete joy. You will wonder if it will all be worth it. Looking back, in complete confidence, I say, “YES!” I would not change a thing—nothing. Nothing. Just like Isaiah 55:8-9 says, ’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ (ESV) That is the truth. His ways and His plans are far better than anything we could ever conjure up.

Love,
Christin

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If you are new to this blog, follow Holly and Heather by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the screen!

Read up on their story: here!

And read why they wrote Dancing On My Ashes.

If you want to know more about who God is go here!

I hope you’ve been encouraged today!

{Story4} My Marriage Was Over

March 19, 2014March 19, 2014 / dancingonmyashes / 6 Comments

Through the month of March, we’re going to do a series called “This is my story, this is my song.” There are personal journeys of hope, victory, courage, and redemption that you need to hear!

I (Heather) can’t wait for you to hear from my precious friend, Karla Parker! I have watched God totally win her heart through and through! Her empathy for others is truly one of my favorite things about her. She walked through a very dark and uncertain time in her life. I remember vividly one Sunday seeing her in the congregation worshiping. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she sang,

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save

She knew her God and her God alone was the only One that could move the mountain that stood in front of her. I’m going to let her tell you her story.

My Marriage Was Over

by Karla Parker

My world came crashing down on a November night. I remember the moment so clearly. I was sitting in our living room eating when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He was done. FINISHED. He was tired of never being good enough and he was tired of the endless fighting. He felt like he had failed at being the husband I “wanted” and “needed.” Marriage wasn’t fun anymore. We fought more than we laughed and we were basically living separate lives—not much more than roommates. So he decided to listen to the advice (a.k.a. threats) I’d shouted time and time again, “Just leave!” or “Let’s just get a divorce!” He’d had enough and his cold, angry and hurtful demeanor made me realize this was for real.

I instantly begged and pleaded with him for us to get help first! But it was too late. The damage had been done. And his mind was made up. Even though I hated what our marriage had become, this was not the way I wanted it to end after six years. I did love him. I did. He told me he’d stay with family until he could figure things out. Minutes later he was gone. He left—and I—I fell apart.

Over the next few weeks and months, my journey to wholeness slowly began. We had no contact. None. (Except for me, early on, begging for us to get help, which in return his response was “leave me alone!!!”) It was right before Thanksgiving and then our anniversary came, then Christmas…. New Years… my heart was breaking. I had no idea that I would be waiting eight months before I would hear from him.

I was a Christian. So was Terry. No one stands at the altar, and vows “’til death do us part” and believes they will one day willingly sign papers to break their promise. We had meant what we said, but here we were. It was over. His empty side of the bed was a cold reminder that something had gone terribly wrong.

During that time, God broke me. But it was in the wrecking that God began His gift of healing. He opened my eyes to so many things. He gave me a love for my husband and a longing for God like I had never known before. I was immediately brokenhearted for how I had treated Terry. It was so painful as I recalled how I had used my words so many times as daggers just trying to get his attention.

I was grieving the loss of my marriage and of him. I felt like he had died.

My pride was shattered too. Here I was working at a Christian university at the time, attending an amazing church, with many close friends but NO.ONE.KNEW. We should have our acts together, right? Now EVERYBODY KNEW. I made a choice to become real with God, with friends, and with family during this time. Life became so freeing as the weight of hiding lifted. I still did not want a divorce but my new heart change was too late.

God began to show me that my faith hadn’t been in Him—it had been in Terry. Terry had been my God. Because Terry is not God, he couldn’t live up to who I thought he should be. And because my hope was in the wrong place, no matter how badly I tried to control and manipulate Terry, he never measured up to my expectations. And anger would erupt. I had no patience or grace. I was left frustrated that he couldn’t complete me. I began to let Christ fulfill my life again.

The silence from Terry was deafening. I missed him deeply. But as I pressed into knowing God more, I grew confident that God had a plan through this and I had to trust Him. I sure had screwed things up, but in Christ there is grace upon grace. I was learning to forgive… even myself.

I began to pray. People I didn’t even know were praying. I prayed that God would change Terry’s heart towards me. God became my first love again. I began to praise Him and thank Him for all He had done even though my circumstances hadn’t changed and even though it still hurt. He used others to encourage me. Over the months I had multiple moments I like to call “God Moments” where it was confirmed time and time again that I was to “wait upon the Lord.” To me that meant doing nothing but seeking to be closer to God in everything I did and then praying for Terry and our marriage to be healed. I knew God had joined us together and I knew the only way God would heal us was through prayer and a miracle. I didn’t know if a miracle would happen, I just knew God told me to wait. Exodus 14:14 is one of my favorite verses. It says, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” Still means to wait. I waited and waited and waited. (And I hate waiting!)

Notecards filled with Scripture verse on them that Karla clung to.

I can’t say that I was perfect over those eight months of waiting. It was a roller coaster of emotions. My mind played with me. I distanced myself from mutual friends because it hurt knowing that they had contact with him and I didn’t. I hurt others when I let fear rise up. I questioned if I had really heard from God? In some moments I knew I’d be okay and I experienced amazing peace, but in other moments I was just so sad. Well-meaning people offered me advice; they couldn’t understand why I would wait. They didn’t understand this confidence I had in what God had shown me.

When I took my mind off Jesus, I was so confused. Why am I waiting? I need to move on! Towards the end of month six or seven, I started to give up the hope that we would reconcile. I decided to take off my wedding ring. Meanwhile, as I was letting go of my marriage, God was working in Terry’s heart. I was unaware of all the “God moments” that were happening on his end.

Out of the blue, Terry called me and wanted to meet but he would not tell me why. It had been 8 months. We met with our counselor for the first time since we had separated. I couldn’t believe it, but Terry wanted to fight for our marriage—he wanted to fight for ME! He told me everything he had felt over the last year, everything he had went through, but most importantly, he asked for my forgiveness for leaving. He wasn’t angry anymore. He admitted his failures too that led up to the separation. He took full responsibility for how his actions affected mine in our marriage. Although it was a hard moment, it was an amazing moment. I was watching my miracle take place. I was witnessing first hand God’s redeeming work in place. Emerging from despair was a picture of love and forgiveness. We had a lot of work to do. But we were fighting for one another, not with one another!

Terry and Karla on their “first” date… back together, September, 2, 2011.

We learned and are learning how to communicate, how to give grace, and we have begun to pray together. We had to start trusting one another again. It has taken time but God has healed us completely! Almost a year to the day he moved back in. We have now celebrated almost two and a half years of our “NEW marriage!” I don’t know why God chose to heal our marriage the way He did, but He did! And we feel very blessed. I know many marriages have not turned out this way. Some of my closest friends went through heartache that ended in divorce but I know God has done and can still do great things through those situations too. That’s just what He does.

Lastly, this video that my friend Heather (writer of this blog) made with Kanakuk Kamps sums up everything that happened in my heart. I remember watching this when things were hard. I remember thinking this season would never end. He truly changed me. I’m not perfect, we are not perfect, Christians are not perfect—and we don’t have to be. That’s why it’s called grace—a gift, not because we’re good enough but because HE’S good enough. We are all on a journey and God used this detour as a way to show us more about Himself. In the end, it was the best thing that could ever have happened for our marriage. God makes all things new.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. {Isaiah 43:19}

Here’s the VIDEO: YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW

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If you are new to this blog, follow Holly and Heather by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the screen! Read up on their story: here!

And read why they wrote Dancing On My Ashes.

If you want to know more about who God is go here!

I hope you’ve been encouraged today!

{Story3} A Journey of Forgiveness

March 13, 2014 / dancingonmyashes / 4 Comments

Through the month of March, we’re going to do a series called “This is my story, this is my song.” There are personal journeys of hope, victory, courage, and redemption that you need to hear!

Holly and I (Heather) are thrilled to share this next story with you! We’ve known Julie for a long time. She was our pastor’s wife for a good part of our growing up years. We even watched her little girls on occasion. {Now I’m feeling old!}

When we began to line up who would share during our “story” series, I couldn’t get Julie off my mind. Her example of forgiving like Christ has wrecked me over the years. Our family has experienced her genuine love and grace first hand. And for us, to have her share, is one of those full-circle moments.

We hadn’t seen Julie for years when the three of us connected once again as we taught at the same women’s retreat. {By the way, if you are looking for a speaker, she’s your gal! Her contact info will be at the bottom.}

This post is beautiful through and through. There is SO much more to her story. So much more! She’s in the process of writing a book and we’ll let you know when it’s out! YAY! But for today, I’ve asked her to share with us what she’s learned about forgiveness…

THIS IS POWERFUL….

A JOURNEY OF FORGIVENESS

by Julie Davenport

What do I know about forgiveness?

Enough to know that it isn’t easy. Enough to know that forgiveness is a process – one that in many ways, I go through each day.

And I know what it’s not.

Like many, I was taught the importance of forgiveness. It was a principle that wasn’t all that difficult, as long as I was in the loving home of my childhood. But as an adult, I have had more reasons to forgive and more years to face its challenges.

When it comes to forgiveness, I’ve lived it, accepted it, given it, and possibly messed it up. Let’s just say I bought the t-shirt and could write the book.

It has been more than 30 years ago, but I will never forget the feeling I had when I first realized forgiveness would be a constant presence in my life. I’ll never forget where I was sitting. The way the air felt.

The feeling that the bottom had just dropped out of my world.

The knowledge that things would never be the same.

My husband, the love of my life, the man that I saved myself for, the only man that I had ever known in the Biblical sense, had just told me he had “known” another woman. Not just any woman. A close friend.

He cried. He was SO sorry. He begged my forgiveness.

God did a healing in our marriage.

I did not believe in divorce. I did, however, believe in forgiveness. He promised it would never happen again. He told me that if I really had forgiven him, I would not talk about it or bring it up.

Yet it did happen again a few years later. He begged my forgiveness again. By then, we had a precious baby girl. We were pastors of a large church. He begged me not to tell.

We went to six months of marriage counseling which resulted in a promise from him that it would never happen again—and a promise from me that if it did, I would leave. We stayed together and had another precious baby girl.

God did another healing in our marriage.

Two years later, he confessed to me that he had been involved in three additional affairs over the period of one year. Once again he begged my forgiveness and wanted to stay together and work it out.

This was more than 20 years ago, but I will never forget the feeling I had. Where I was sitting. The way the air felt.

Something inside me broke. I was done. Done covering up. Done having my heart torn to shreds.

We went through a difficult divorce and years of drama and pain.

So you may ask, what do I know about forgiveness?

{1} I know that forgiveness is not sweeping issues under the carpet. Secrets cause sickness. If not dealt with and brought out into the light, they will continue and grow in the dark.

{2} I know that forgiveness is not feeling like someone owes you or needs to pay you back for how they have wronged you. For years I said that I had forgiven, I gave testimonies about how I had forgiven. However, deep in my heart I was still waiting for the day that my husband would pay me back for all he had stolen from my life. I know now that it is not until we release a person from “owing us” that we can completely forgive them.

{3} I know that the main reason we need to forgive is because Christ forgave us. Forgiveness does not make any sense unless you first realize that you are a forgiven person.

We cannot balance the scales. Forgiveness means the scales are forever out of balance. It means that one person is always going to owe a debt. It’s only when we can forgive the debt that we can heal.

It was only six years ago, when we had both remarried and re-established our lives, when a deep healing came.

As in the other life-altering moments, I will never forget the feeling I had. Where I was sitting. The way the air felt.

I was sitting on the front porch with my first husband, after he had visited our daughters. I shared with him that even though I had made the intellectual decision to forgive him years ago, that it was only recently that I felt I had emotionally forgiven him.

I told him he did not owe me anything. I wanted him to know that I released him to be happy and free in his life. He in turn asked my forgiveness, and this time there was such a feeling of peace. I am so grateful that the Lord allowed us to have this conversation, because he tragically died two months later.

What do I know about forgiveness?

I know that forgiveness allows you to put the pain and hurt behind you, release it, and move beyond the hurt and heal. With all that we have been forgiven in our own lives, how can we not offer forgiveness, love and mercy to those around us?

Julie and her family today!

Publishing rights retained by Julie Davenport. Permission given for one time publication on Dancing On My Ashes blog (March 2014). This article is not to be republished in any other format without express permission.

To contact Julie for speaking engagements (and you’ll want to… she’s witty and kind and deep and funny and warm and all about Jesus):

Email: dgdavenport@sbcglobal.net

Facebook: Julie Perkin Stout Davenport

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If you are new to our blog, follow us by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the screen! Read up on our story of healing: here! And read why we wrote Dancing On My Ashes.

If you want to know more about who God is go here!

I hope you’ve been encouraged today!

{Story2} Burying your baby

March 6, 2014 / dancingonmyashes / 2 Comments

Through the month of March, we’re going to do a series called “This is my story, this is my song.” There are personal journeys of hope, victory, courage, and redemption that you need to hear!

The story you are about to read is incredible! I (Heather) met Sarah a little over a year ago. You know how sometimes you meet someone and your friendship takes off? That’s what happened with us—a deep friendship emerged so effortlessly. I have no doubt, God had our paths collide. [Not only are we friends, but we also have a side business together called Story Designs {by S & H} – after you’re done reading… check out the pretty things we make!]

I can’t wait for you to hear from her! I’ve been praying for THIS MOMENT since she first shared some of her journey with me over coffee! Our kids were off destroying the play room as we were wiping tears and smiling over God’s fierce love for us. I KNOW this is going to bless your socks off!

I’m happy to introduce you to Sarah…

♥♥♥♥

by Sarah Lombardi

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him,
How I’ve proved him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
O for Grace to trust him more

I have been singing that song all my life, but it wasn’t until this year that I began to understand the joy and fullness of putting my complete trust in Him.

Five years ago, on March 29^th, I went into labor with our second child. We were very excited about welcoming our baby BOY into the family! Earlier that week the doctor told me it could be any day. I was 37 weeks and full term! We gathered our bags and headed to the hospital. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of fear as we drove in. I prayed silently for peace, and as I prayed, it was like I already knew.

Shortly after we arrived, the nurses got me in a room and started hooking me up to monitors. The nurse could see that I was having close contractions, but she was having trouble finding baby. I continued to pray. After what felt like an eternity, she called in the doctor to do an ultrasound. The on-call doctor wheeled in the sonogram machine and placed it right on Miles. It was very clear—Miles had his hands raised and was still. No heartbeat. Just still. The doctor said, “You see this,” pointing to the screen. “This is his heart and its not beating.”

My world… our world… came crashing down.

Tears came.

All I could do was weep.

My husband and I held one another and wept.

After my surgery they brought in Miles Daniel for me to hold. He was in a bassinet, wrapped in a blanket. They had dressed him in a little hat and a zip-up sleeper. He was perfect. Just beautiful. Miles weighed exactly 4 pounds, so he was little, but oh so perfect. I held him and cried. I just starred at him “asleep” in my arms. I took in every detail because I didn’t want this moment to end.

Baby Miles

After the funeral and all the family had gone, it seemed like life had to move forward… but I wasn’t ready to move forward. I prayed day and night, “Lord give me faith to trust this is Your will in my life.”

It’s been a process. It’s been a fight. Grieving takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But as seconds turned into hours, and hours to days, and days to months, and now months to years; through it all the Lord has shown me (and continues to show me) how much HE loves US.

Every step of this journey He. Has. Loved. ME!

HE loved this broken momma who had lost ALL of her joy in the Lord.

HE loved this sad wife who became a negative and selfish spouse.

HE loved me and extravagantly poured His love into my heart—healing me bit by bit.

He showed His love through our family, our church family and friends. He took a mother with a broken heart and made her into a mother with a prayerful heart. The Lord has given me a compassion for the hurting, the weary, and the brokenhearted. He has mended our marriage—taking two hurting, selfish people, and showing us how to live and thrive inside a Christ centered, loving marriage.

These five years have been full of tears, but we have begun to see His beauty rising from our ashes. He brought JOY back into my heart and a song:

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take him at his word
Just to rest upon his promise
Just to know thus saith The Lord

I realized how sweet it truly is to put my trust in Him and to believe what His Word tells me. Not just to hear it—but BELIEVE it! Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.’” I began to put my trust back in Him—my Lord, my Savior! I gave Him my whole heart and my life that was broken and bruised… He has healed it!

Exactly two years after we lost Miles Daniel, the Lord blessed us with our third child—our son, Jones Abraham. Jones was born premature at barely 31 weeks. The Lord knew. He knit him together and knew exactly the day he would be born.

Sarah and Baby Jones

I held my precious, Jones, on the EXACT day we lost Miles, two years earlier. “The Lord gives and takes away…” {Job 1:21}

After naming Jones we found out the meaning of his name: “Jehovah has shown favor.”

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. {Psalm 30:5}

We have questions without answers. There are days that I imagine the five of us sitting around the dinner table. I wonder what Miles’s laugh would sound like or how his arms would feel around me. There will be a day that I experience his giggles and his hugs, but until then, the arms of Christ envelop me. His arms are big enough, strong enough, and firm enough to strengthen this momma for the road ahead. He alone holds me together.

On this road of suffering, I have learned to trust Him. Simply trust. His ways are greater and far better for me! It has been five years and THIS week we will place a stone at Miles’s grave. This year has been a year of freedom and of letting go of heartache. I am ready. WE are ready! “Lord, I trust you!” This stone isn’t for Miles—he is with our Savior! I imagine him dancing along the shore, hand in hand with Jesus! This stone is for mom and dad. We are placing this stone as a reminder: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!

I will forever sing: